Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Affiliate I may make a small commission from qualifying purchases.
Raise your hand if your marriage is perfect.
Okay, my guess is that none of you did. That’s okay! I didn’t either. There is no perfect marriage–you know, the kind where you are both always on the same page, can perfectly read each other’s thoughts, never make assumptions about each other, never say a negative word or think a negative thought about each other (“why does he have to try to fix everything?” “why does she have to be so emotional all the time?”). Don’t worry, ladies, I’m right there with you.
Marriage is HARD WORK. In the words of Wesley from Princess Bride: “Anyone who says differently is selling something.” And speaking for myself, there are a lot of days I’m too tired (or lazy) to put in the work. It’d be so much easier to draw myself a bubble bath, steep a mug of my favorite herbal tea, and watch Hallmark movies on my tablet…*ahem* door LOCKED. (Sidebar: too many Hallmark movies can set unrealistic expectations that can be detrimental to your marriage…ask me how I know).
It’d also be easier to just assume it’s my husband’s job to put effort into the marriage–or worse, that it’s his FAULT that the marriage isn’t all I think it should be. And to be honest, a year ago my mind was in that state a LOT. I wished he would put in more effort, be more understanding, etc. The list went on. I was not satisfied.
But the problem was not just my husband. It was mostly ME. I was setting unrealistic expectations for my husband and for myself. Granted, my second pregnancy and postpartum period played a factor in my emotions. But I was letting those emotions drive me. I worried about our kids, our marriage, and my sanity. I think this is all normal for pregnant and postpartum mamas. It’s good to work through those emotions. But it wasn’t healthy for me to dwell on them or to let them control me.
Of course, that’s a post for another time. But it’s true that I got in my head about my marriage. That’s why I’m so thankful for the Lord’s timing. Over the last few months, He’s been showing me where I’ve been complacent in my marriage. He’s been teaching me how to really pray for my husband, to be an encourager to my husband, to be a true helpmate.
It has been amazing to see the transformation in my husband and in the way I view him. But it hasn’t been an easy journey, and that isn’t to say that everything in our marriage is perfect. I married a sinner who also married a sinner. We are both still going to fail. But we have to both put in the effort. And the resources I’m going to share with you gave us the tools to do that. So here is a list of my favorite marriage books that gave my marriage (and myself) the kick in the pants it (I) needed. In addition, I’ve included one that I haven’t personally read, but that has helped other women I know and trust in their marriages.
A quick disclaimer: these resources are for marriages that are a little rocky or need some TLC. Although these are still good resources for a struggling marriage, they will not replace a marriage counselor. If you’re really struggling, I encourage you to reach out to a trusted pastor or counselor. Additionally, if you don’t feel safe in your marriage, the first step would be to seek help! Your safety and the safety of your children is far too important to stay in an abusive household. My prayers and heart go out to you, sweet sister.
1. Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
This was the starting block to my journey this year. My church offers a course that follows the workbook for “Sacred Marriage”. This book offers a great perspective on what biblical marriage is supposed to be. If it gives you any hint, the subtitle for Sacred Marriage is “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”
(My husband and I also read this companion book Sacred Search for part of our premarital counseling, and we loved it!)
2. Loving Him Well by Gary Thomas
This book was a game-changer for me. I picked this up at a marriage conference our church hosted (God must have really been wanting to teach us about marriage, because the marriage class and marriage conference were almost back-to-back). I couldn’t put it down! My favorite part is that it offers real insight on how to love, influence, and encourage your husband from a man’s perspective.
3. For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn
I would be lying if I said this wasn’t my favorite AND least favorite book in this list. Shaunti Feldhahn writes from her own research about the inner-workings of men, which led her to some humorous revelations and some hard truths about how husbands relate to their wives. My hubby and I listened to the audiobook versions of this one and the companion book For Men Only. It’s affected the way my husband and I communicate, because we have a better understanding on how the opposite sex communicates.
I will add a disclaimer to this one: read this book prayerfully. There are some HARD truths about the way men are wired. It doesn’t mean God made a mistake in wiring them that way, but that our fallen and corrupt world has taken that beautiful design and twisted it. Know that these truths come from a place of love, even from the men surveyed. It doesn’t affect our value as women or as daughters of the King. Some of these truths are also very anti-cultural, and fly in the face of many societal ideologies out there today. So I say again, read prayerfully.
4. Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
I’ll be honest…I had to put this one down a couple of times. Like any book you read, you want to read with discernment. But just because the concepts put forth in this book are hard doesn’t mean they aren’t true. After you’re done with it, complete with all your highlights and notes in the margins, I would recommend giving it to your husband to read. Then see what notes and highlights he wants to share with you! I bet both of your eyes will be opened as new truths about the opposite sex are brought to light.
5. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
This one was actually a wedding gift to us. We both read it and took the quiz at the end within the first couple months of our marriage. But I’ve actually benefited from reading it again. I think that the way we receive love and the way we show love can be influenced by different circumstances in our lives. Regardless, it’s a good one to keep on hand, and be reminded to keep each other’s “love tanks” in our priorities.
BONUS: 31 Prayers for My Husband by Jennifer Smith
This is the one I haven’t read yet. But it comes recommended to me by trusted friends. Jennifer Smith and her husband have written multiple books in this series, including prayers for sons, daughters, and even for a young woman’s future husband! At any rate, even if these prayers aren’t perfect for your situation, it’s still so important to learn how to pray for your husband. It’s something that we as wives will (hopefully) continue to grow in throughout our lives.
In Conclusion…
My encouragement to you if you pick any of these up is to read them with an open mind and heart, asking the Lord to show you what truths to apply to your life. There are some hard things to swallow in some of these writings, and I won’t sugarcoat that. But that doesn’t mean the Lord doesn’t want to use them to grow you in Him.
I’m not promising you a perfect marriage. My own marriage (though I have to say is pretty sweet!) is FAR from perfect. But these books, along with honest conversation, have allowed my husband and I to become closer. We’ve learned how to love and serve each other better, and how to grow in those things as we continue to learn about each other!
Marriage is not for the faint of heart. But it is a GOOD thing, designed by God…just maybe not for the purpose the world touts. And it takes work, and discipline, and understanding…and most of all, forgiveness. My prayer is that these books help you in all of those things, just like they helped me.
God bless you and yours,
Morgan
What about you? Have you read any of these books? Let me know in the comments what you thought about them, or what you think as you’re reading them!
